I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
