My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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