Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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