I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
