you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
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