Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
