i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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