Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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