Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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