You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
