God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
