as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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