i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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