yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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