She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
