are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
