i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
