he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Randomize
