I was born with a shot glass in my hand
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
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We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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