I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
