sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
