You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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