we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
