Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Terrible idea I love it
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
