Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
