it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
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As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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