The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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