I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
