it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
