someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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