I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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