i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Randomize
