Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
