Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
