I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
