i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
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I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
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Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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