I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
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I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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