It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Just pee around me
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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