there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
