My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i think i have two assholes
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
