So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He has the fingertips of a God
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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