Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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