My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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