6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
