you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
