the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
