I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
