true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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