Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
So gin and wine won't be happening again
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
