Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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