Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
