If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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