I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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