It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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