Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
