So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
