peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
