Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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