dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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