Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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