Cold hands, warm shart.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
