I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
