tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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